A realisation

I'm actually quite high, and I am feeling rather agitated.

On the advice of my supervisor/coordinator at a particular high school who told me to relax, I let myself slip today at the enkai/welcome party (though I would only call it dinner since it doesn't fit into my definition of a welcome party) which they have hosted in my honour.

My spider sense was absolutely right because I have always felt most uncomfortable in the school and hence I am evidently reserved. However I admit I assumed that the atmosphere at the particular school is not as bad as it seems based on what the supervisor/coordinator said and so I let my tongue slip, and indeed as expected whatever I said was greeted with very awkward silence.

There goes the image of the wonderful sagely foreigner which they have formed their initial impression on.

How did I exactly let myself slip? I was very aware when I said my interest towards how sex is represented/sold in different countries, be it my home country, Australia and Japan. That was greeted with awkward silence, which was salvaged by the coordinator/supervisor who made a distinction between the situation in Tokyo and the more inaka/village aspect of Japan. He mentioned that to them, Tokyo seems to be a surreal place that is detached from the rest of Japan. I refused to pick a debate with that though in my current condition I would like to, since there was a very Japanese facial expression of 'opps someone said something sensitive which if I respond incorrectly would leave a bad impression on me' and so I left it alone.

I understand I may be making many conclusions here which may not be true, but those are my thoughts so far.

It was obvious how the rest of them changed their impression on me without asking for clarification, because gone were for example solicitations on things to do in Japan, solicitations on 'please visit my house' and such.

I am often curious about why Japanese ask me how long I would stay in Japan. It cringes me when they start discussing also how awful my predecessor has been in that Japanese subtle way. I really question their intention.

Well I think tonight is more like a wake up call. A friend suggested that these people have a narrow mind with too much patriotism at times thought they keep screaming they hope the world to be more open hearted. I am sitting on the fence on this one, though I tend to agree with much alcohol in my brain for now.

Anyway I think I really bombed up tonight because the folks tonight are really of an older generation so I would have known they are conservative and very high collar as warned by my predecessor.

I am quite torn between taking tonight's experience as an experiment or as a ok-let's-not-play-hide-n-seek and as a Real Internationalisation opportunity. By experiment I mean how receptive they can be. Firstly I could see a visible sense of discomfort when I told them about reading about honne and tatamae. I also let slip about controversial topics that is common knowledge amongst foreigners such as the state of English education in Japan, and whether is English really necessary for students ot learn. Those have been debated t death by foreigners in my position but they never can get the Japanese response. So when my supervisor/coordinator brought it up I admit i had warning bells that it is just a teaser but I trusted him and took it as an invitation to talk about more raw topics and it backfired tonight. I think tonight really sealed my impression of that school and cause me to rethink my relations with other schools and how I need to be careful and hence I will continue to be "gentlemanly" in their terms.

I think these days haven't been easy. I had such a tough time yesterday as well just to get a bed. At first I thought it was so cool that we can offer a list to the local government to get essential household items for me. So my actual supervisor at my base school and I came up with a list that is a TV and a bed. The TV was rejected and I reasoned with myself it is for pure entertainment so I let it slide. Moreoever, TV license tax is terribly expensive and I have been avoiding payment so far, though it is awfully irritating to have a salesperson come every month or so to coax me to pay and I have to do the assurance (in awful Japanese) that I do not have a television. At first my supervisor told me the budget is 40, 000 yen (around $500) so I happily went shopping. I ended up Wasting Precious Time Looking Around as it ended up when I finally decided on a sofa bed by a particular company that he told me some strings. E.g. oh they need to be receptive to clearance by the government meaning form filling and delayed payment. Moreover I had to first overhear from another conversation between him and another colleague in Japanese about the bed that the actual budget is 50, 000 yen (around $600). That is a cool $100 more. Hello Why You Don't Tell Me In Advance. If You Want Me To Be Bloody Independent Which You Had Been Since You Became Suddenly Withdrawn To Me After 2 Weeks and I Have To Fend for Myself. I am very pissed with that.

I haven't started on the bicycle/car issue. I am facing so much inconvenience by just travelling around by bike/bus/train though there are side benefits like losing weight and enjoying the car fumes.

On a sidenote sometimes I am really thankful I understand Japanese, though rather sometimes I wonder if I should NOT understand Japanese so people will be forced to decide everything for me. However an inner fear about that is that they would make semi-useful decisions for me. So I played the innnocent-and-nice card and say we can go shopping when there is time. On a sidenote I must complain I have been sleeping on the mattress which is Very Cold in the morning because it is so near to the floor. Maybe he doesn't know my plight (obviously) so I shall let it slide. Finally yesterday We Finally got time to shop for a bed. I saw a nice sofa bed with spring which would be good in the long run (i.e. after I leave and a bigger size foreigner takes my place). I suggested why not we see if I can co-pay the extra bit he called the local goverment and was rejected. So I was Visibly Disappointed I refused to hide the expression. So end up we went to another place and I had to refrain from choosing a bed until he can assure the company that they can pay at that price. Now I get a sofa bed which is foam and wait, the sale is not confirmed. They need to get back to the office. What if the price changes by the time we got back... my supervisor was pretty cool by saying leave it to the local government to pick up the mess. I think I was very right when I told my mom last week when about my bed. I said I think it will take a month and indeed it is coming true. I was very sacarstic when I said that. Absolute bureaurcracy and a lack of transparency. Because I think if the local government is receptive and my supervisor can press my case it can work. Apparently both aren't the case so yeah I am stuck. I feel So Obliged to them that I can get a bed. Thank the heavens. I'm using that as a consolation I cannot believe I am feeling that actually. And I don't know whether to call it cultural shock that I should learn from, or call it plain injustice.

I am getting sober and I will not let my ranting ruin a weekend which I can spend on more enjoyable activities.